Richard the Catstronaut’s Manly Captain’s Log

GO-LLY! It sure has been a while since I’ve posted anything… Not that anyone cares… Again…

I wrote a little piece tonight, and thought I’d share it. It was written in under twenty minutes, and is, predictably, like most things I share, a piece of shit. Have I mentioned my discovery of how to change the color of my text? Aren’t I clever?!

I should also probably mention how late at night it is (a little past midnight) and how much energy I have right now (it’s over nine thousand!!!!). I swear I’m not high, okay?

One more thing: an introduction to the character, just so that it makes a little more sense. Not that it makes any sense whatsoever, but, y’know.

MEET RICHARD:

 

  • Lives on pluto
  • Likes and collects pencils
  • Dislikes bananas in the recycling
  • Was born on planet Minesotan
  • Has a pet cactus named Charles
  • Rides a red panda named Franklin through space

 

Dear Captain’s Log,

Charles and I just arrived at this strange, ugly planet. It’s pretty lame, but Franklin’s run out of steam, so I guess we’ll just have to live here forever now. I think I’ll start a fire now.

 

Dear Captain’s Log,

I could not start a fire. I have no idea why not. Aren’t you supposed to be able to summon fire anywhere, and anytime? Maybe I got the spell wrong… I guess we’ll see if a tentacle monster spawns in roughly five minutes. I shall write again once I’ve built my house. It should take me about π minutes. I’m building it entirely out of tinfoil.

 

Dear Captain’s Log,

I didn’t have enough tinfoil. Also, everything is on fire. I have no idea how this happened, or where Charles is. He must’ve been drinking our gasoline when the fire started. Damn it, Charles. He always has had a habit of that… He could never resist a delicious gallon of ice cold gasoline. But I can’t believe he’s gone. Charles was my best friend… Now he’s dead. Charles is dead.

Franklin and I must escape to Planet Wooch, our original destination. Goodbye forever, Charles.

Dear Captain’s Log,

Franklin and I have successfully made it to Planet Wooch! I’m not so sad about Charles anymore. He was kind of a butthead anyway. As soon as we arrived, we came across a big, glittery trampoline, and we simply had to jump on it. It was just so… Glittery. Glitter is my favorite color. That’s when we met the owner of this bedazzled springboard, Bill Mayonnaise. Bill and I have developed a great friendship in the past hour.

Bill is a narcat. She’s kind of funny looking because she’s in the process of disguising herself as a human, through lots of plastic surgery. She does this in preparation for her move to a planet called Earth. Earth sounds much like the planet I was born on, Minesotan. I’ll miss Bill when she leaves, but I’m sure wherever she’s going is better than her current living space. Bill lives in a box because she spent all her butterscotch on glitter and plastic surgery.

Anyway, time to settle down in my new home. I now live in a swanky apartment made entirely out of gelatin, with a stunning view. How cool is that?

Love, kisses, and man hugs,

Richard

Wasn’t that just an armful of tootsie pops? If you happen to be reading this, please let me know if you enjoyed whatever this was, and want to read about more scientifically accurate space adventures with Richard. Please tell me what to write, because I have  quite literally nothing else to do with my time but sit here in the dark, trying to catch chocolate chips in midair with my mouth.

Bill, out.

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